Never forget.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.