Never forget.
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
