Never forget.
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Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*