Never forget.
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Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Reminder:
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there