Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

I’m awake but I object,

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Camel dough

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic