Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Your secret is safeish with me
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
This came to me in a dream.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Care for your back
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges