@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

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@ficklenuts

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

@SliNtuli

People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.

@pharmasean

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

@captainkalvis

Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*

@pixelatedboat

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

@HousewifeOfHell

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

@KyleMcDowell86

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

@BatmanOffDuty

*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?