I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?