Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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What even happened today?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.