Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
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going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x