Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
when someone compliments me
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
guys i’ve cracked the code
