Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Pikachu found the lost joint

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent