Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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The legends were true
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.