Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.