Never ghost your hitman.
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
No laws when master is gone
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.