Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell