Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*