Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
#dnd #ttrpg
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”