Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
You Might Also Like
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
can’t believe I got front row seats
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.