Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
You Might Also Like
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
mariah carrie
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.