Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.