Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.