Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.