Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too