Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
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Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.