Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car