Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
my nickname in college
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!