Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
You Might Also Like
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.