Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.