Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
it was love at first sight
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
This is why I hate group projects
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
This might be the funniest tweet ever
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.