My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”