Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
You Might Also Like
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
me irl
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Very good! 👍😂
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands