@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@emptydahl

Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.

@badbanana

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

@CantWaitToNap

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

@robfee

Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@ArfMeasures

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

@smokedesign

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”