Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
💀😭
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.