Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or