Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Home is where your toilet is.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.