Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no