Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
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Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
how much for the angry fruit?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.