Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?