Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?