Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
They also CAN sing✌️
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor