Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”