Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
no regrets
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.