Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number