Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
☠️☠️☠️
