Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids