Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

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me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation


mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back


These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.


*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*


“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – neighborhood drunk


“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”


[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?


Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!


A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.