Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
s
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!