“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You Might Also Like
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*