Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.