Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
man: wait
time: no
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.