Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.