I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son