Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Nice try Hitler

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.