Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.