Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Last-minute gift idea!

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside