Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔