Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
normalize having existential bread
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?