Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
