Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The USS B port
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
