Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
#Caturday
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
