Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

I am thick and tired. 🙄

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.