Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

Britain be like

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

This checks out