Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
You Might Also Like
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I have obtained a hat
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Denise please return my vape pen
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married