never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You Might Also Like
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.