never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”