never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.