Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
This makes total sense…
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.