Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank