Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
reviewed some movies recently
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.