Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
You Might Also Like
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.