Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
(by @ZachWeiner )
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Have kids, they said
When you kidnap a writer.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
No Google it does not
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work