Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Haha good job!!
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