Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN