Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
You Might Also Like
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.