Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Yoga Matt
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
bros in the example zone 😭
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”