Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

That lamp looks PISSED.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.