Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
You Might Also Like
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly