@OreoSpeedwagon_

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.

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@mommy_cusses

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

@MarfSalvador

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

@Chumpstring

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

@BuckyIsotope

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

@OneFunnyMummy

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

@bellicosejason

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

@Darlainky

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

@_MustBeArkaydia

Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

@heiditron3000

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide