Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.

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Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.


me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?


Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.


If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.


Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.


Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!


A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.


These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.


Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.


When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide