@OreoSpeedwagon_

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.

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@BunAndLeggings

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

@Gooooats

I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

@lasergirl70

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

@BrassBallsCJ

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@brianbowman73

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine

@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.